i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
