then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
