Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
