my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Randomize