I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
