do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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