If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
