I just pynch a tree in the face
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
