Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
