there's paper in my vomit.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
