I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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