Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
