you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
