you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
