working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
