Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
