You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
