The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
