What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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