before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
