I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
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