I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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