What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
