Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
