so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
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