I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
