Whats the glycemic index on semen?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
