I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
