she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
