She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
