Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Randomize
