my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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