You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
