The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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