So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize