I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I said "one day" and that day is not today
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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