You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
