Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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