just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Your cock deserves a montage
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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