I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
