I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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