The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
