I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
