Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
