I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
