pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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