Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
