i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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