I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
