Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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