broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize