i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
