Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
