True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Randomize
