We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
