The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
