I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
