Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I stole a fireplace last night.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
