My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
